Letters From Martha’s Closet-2

The following is a combination of a week of journal entries after I found out my husband was involved with other women.  This is almost 2 years old to the date. I will never forget this date…I don’t know if it’s because it hurt so bad or if it’s because it was a turning point in my life.  This made such an impact on me as a woman.  The confidence was gone and the gut wrenching pain was so unimaginable I can’t even describe it.   I AM NOT THE SAME WOMAN TODAY!!!

So I post today because as I…no WE my husband and I, have come to an entire different stage in our marriage.  As you already know I had an extreme love affair with alcohol and as life has unfolded over the last two years there is no difference (in my opinion).  It hasn’t been easy by any means but “If you want something you’ll find a way.  If not you will find an excuse”.  After being divorced once well you have a whole new perspective on commitment.  Enjoy.

Letters from Martha’s Closet-2

It is now Tuesday and Sunday I found out the worse news a wife could hear, it’s not just another woman, it’s multiple woman.

We just bought the house and things have been bad, but this bad I never thought. Why did he leave his phone that day?  Why did I have to be nosey…did I really want to know this?  I can’t get the visions out of my mind.  Like a film reel over and over and over… I want to puke.  I want to drink, A LOT!  I can’t even put into words the gut wrenching pain this has caused me and I literally want to curl up in a ball a die.  I am supposed to be his best friend and wife.  These are things he should only do with me but now I just feel like I am nothing but a lie, I am a cover up for the life he really wants. Our marriage is now tarnished and I feel worthless.

How did I fail him so bad that he had to do this to me? What about the kids?  Why couldn’t he just tell me he was unhappy?  He begs for my feelings but now has run to other women.  Here I am on day two and the pain won’t subside, will it ever go way?  There isn’t a moment that I don’t feel sad or hurt or physically ill.  God please take this pain away.  I can’t even begin to repair anything in this marriage until I can think straight.  I want to forgive him so bad and I know he didn’t get here alone.  I have contributed to this with my lies and my love affair with alcohol.  Isn’t it the same betrayal?  I have been on this path of self-destructive behavior since retirement and now somewhere inside I have to find the strength to put things back together.  Somewhere we have lost the connection we once had.  The passion for life, the desire for one another is completely gone.  I am so lost God just send me a map or a starting point.  I’m reading and praying and reading and praying and nothing is working.  I can’t turn my mind off until I’m so shitfaced I am in a blackout…really God how this is helping my situation?

In the first pages of the first pages of the Bible you created the heavens and the earth. You created woman from a man’s rib and then they became one.  A unity of one flesh. If we are one then he should feel this pain too, right?  Adam and Eve sinned together so does that mean that we will always sin and betray one another?  Sin is sin but this is inflicting pain on one another.  My drinking and his woman there is no difference but how do I make it stop?

I am trying very hard not to think of the other woman and pray these pains and insecurities will fade with time. I love him and when he shows me the smallest bit of affection I still want to melt in his arms,  but I feel so dumb that I let my guard down.  I let him knock down all the walls to my heart and now he has left me with an open bleeding heart that I can’t guard anymore.  Instead I literally drowned it in vodka.  I can’t even remember the last time he touched me and meant it.  I don’t know when the last time I felt his love and desire for me…desire for me and who I am not just a body to have sex with.  I know marriage isn’t supposed to be like this but I have no idea why we are here in this place but if it’s to draw us closer then please God start that process, I just can’t handle more.

Now here I am seven days later and the betrayal is still first on my mind when I wake up, throughout my day and I can’t sleep knowing more of the details that’s have revealed themselves throughout the week. Do I stay or do I go?  I want to hurt him so bad but what good will that do?  I feel just letting this go will make me look weak not just to me but everyone that knows.  However I know that opening up, loving him and showing him just how much he and this marriage means to me it will show strength…. Question is am I that strong?

My fight or flight instinct has always been to fly. I have always been the one to hurt before I can get hurt.  As that being the normal now I don’t know what to do?  Divorce will just hurt more.  To learn and grow from this together will make us stronger won’t it?  We attended a new church today, together at that….could this be the start of the new beginning?  The message couldn’t have been better.  It was exactly what we needed…SHAME AND GUILT.  It hurt me to hear the things that were being said but I know it’s what we both needed to hear.  Our marriage will never be the same.  Things will never “go back” to the way they were, but that’s ok because this hurtful sin will make us stronger and better.  I believe that.  The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:13 “And now these three remain FAITH, HOPE and LOVE but the greatest of these is love. We both have the faith and the love, but I feel like right now I am the only one that has hope this will work.

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One comment

  1. Know that you are not alone. I’ve been there, curled up in a ball in bed, crying my eyes out. I don’t think I saw him cry, now that I think back on it. I guess what hurt the most is that I was really trying. I’ve always been sensitive to the male ego, it’s one thing I learned in the military. How to do everything and still make the man feel like he’s needed. I was busting my butt trying to be the best employee, the best mother, the best spouse. It was a dark time, and even though it’s been 10 years I’m still dealing with residual anger. Times I fantasize that I’d said get out instead of let’s work it out. Times I mourn not knowing what a real relationship is like with someone you trust, because although I’m still married, I will never trust him fully again.

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