Letters from Martha’s Closet-Part 1

The following is an entry from my journal from a couple of years ago when I had literally hit rock bottom from abusing alcohol to cope with my lost identity and struggling with transition after leaving the military.  That was then, and today I’m a different person that managed to dig myself out of the downward spiral I had been in.  I hope someone reads this and feels like they are reading their own journal.  Just know it gets better and there are people out there that can help….

 

Ugh so where to begin….It’s still kind of early and still very much a blur….too early to feel anything I think. I have been up and down all night….I feel sick….the flu is kicking my ass and I am trying hard to figure out what the hell is wrong with me…what is wrong with my head??? Where did the switch flip from sane to insane?  I don’t even know how to deal with dealing…how the hell does that make sense?  I’m embarrassed, ashamed, scared, sad, guilty and lost to name a few.  All of the emotions are just flooding me daily.  I could barely deal with one of those emotions sober and now I have to deal with them all without a drink??? Are you kidding me…oh God what have I done.  I sit here and play the whole week over and over I ask myself God why didn’t the suicide attempt work Monday??? Like why did you let me wake-up and continue on the path of full destruction slowly killing myself and now physically I am still alive but I feel dead…worse than a walking zombie…..I think to myself I should have planned it better now the only “out” I have had is gone!  Now a “drink” or “partying” is not an option anymore unless I really want to lose it all and die alone in the dark corner of my closet.  I’m so confused and this feels like a mountain that I will never climb over, but I know God this has happened for a reason.  I don’t know why but my faith won’t allow me to truly feel that you let me live to die miserable.  In 72 hours I have gone from such a dark place, literally gray and black to now 3 days the world is brighter.  The colors are vibrant; the lines are clear and crisp.  I can only assume that’s what it feels like to be sober it’s been so normal to feel like I am in a blur….drink to clear it up and then end up in a blur or better yet a black out and not see anything.  Yeah that makes a lot of sense.  But now the love, the smiles the touches feel real and better yet they feel like I actually deserve them.  They are warm and make me want to melt but they make me feel more alive than I have in months.  Like oxygen when you can’t breathe well duh my brain couldn’t breathe what the hell it doesn’t take rocket science.

Why did it take all this? Why of all things did it take something so awful for me to see so clear that I am so F***ED up!!!  This is ridiculous that I have to lose it all to realize I have a problem and I desperately need help.  I reached out an no one felt I was far enough gone so what my mind says “OK” I’ll prove you wrong…go big or go home.  It took this to know that my husband, my children and my family they do love me.  It’s not a front for the “perfect” facebook family…the show is actually a genuine movie that they want to play over and over because it’s their truth and I never realized it.  I am blessed and this is real…it’s so hard to explain to people the thoughts that run through my mind.  They are either going to think I am drunk or that I really need to get drunk….which is worse…LOL  Only God and I know how the raw emotions run through your mind the alcoholism can trick you or tell you that it is ok or make you feel so worthless such self-pity that how do you get rid of that…Drink.  Now you end up in a vicious cycle and you go round and round which is never good especially drunk.  (Puking sucks)  Hangovers suck but when I was drinking like this I never got hungover….amazing if you ask me.  So round and round it goes and then something happens and it just hits you…or you hit it like the Sonic building….yeah that’ll get you good.  Then you realize what you have is real, there are no underlying hidden things.  They are all genuine touches and the love is real. I am good enough to live, to breath and to be a wife and mother.  NONE of this has to define me.  Even the good doesn’t have to define me I just need to find me and draw those crisp lines and move forward.

Back to why though…why does it take such a mess, such a tragic, scary dumb ass mistake to make or I realize there are no hidden agendas or underlying reason to love me. They really just love me for me. I already said this doesn’t define me I won’t let it.  Just let me get my head around this mess and I know I will flip it.  Again just why does it take suck a tragic dumb ass move to get back to who I was 8 months ago, 10months ago, 12 months ago.  Does fear always have to be the driving factor to stay sober?  Why can’t I go back to the love and warmth of my wonderful blessed life before this shit storm?  It’s like your mind is on a path of destruction then in one split second something jolts you back on track…like a guardrail or a bowling bumper.  Nothing in my mind has changed but hitting the wall or falling down to rock bottom now turns my pity-party of sadness into fear and now all the sudden I can see differently.

I knew I needed to find some sort of meeting, a job, get a group of friends something to help me become someone or just go back to the person I was. But why did it have to take this?  I know in my sober mind the consequences of what my actions would be.  I knew things could go south very quickly but still I chose to sit in the sadness, depression and self-pity.  I have so much to be thankful for and I know that.  When that snake was slithering his way in why wasn’t I strong enough to KILL HIM?  I am a Christian and I know that the devil lurks in all corners and all facets of our lives but why didn’t I turn to God and sincerely cry out to him?  Prayer, reading, journaling …. Something instead of making that U-turn for the liquor store.  Instead I just let him slither in and win.  I have to remember these feelings for the rest of my life.  I have to remember the feeling of being so low that when I scream and only hear an echo of myself I need to change my cry to grab the attention of someone…if no one hears me no one can help me. I am not alone and I have to remember this.  I need to make sure that every decision that I know is the devils tricks I need to pause and think about it and plan it.  Just like the RISK assessment…like how in 8 months could I forget that shit when I lived it for over 15 years.  Is it really that difficult to make the right decision?  I need to not be selfish and not sit in this pity.  My children need me and they deserve a sober mother with a clear mind.  How selfish is it to drink before quality time with them…like why wasn’t quality time enough…what is wrong with me that the hole got deeper and bigger?

Moving forward I know every day I can get better and I will I know I will. I am very blessed to have a second chance at life and I have support.  I need to remember I deserve the support.  I am not alone and I know that now.  The kids are up and it’s now music to my ears.  The noise in my head has ceased for now so I will continue this journey tomorrow.

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